Enough For Me

"O Lord, You have examined my heart and know everything about me. You know when I sit down or stand up. You know my thoughts even when I'm far away... You know what I am going to say even before I say it, Lord." - Psalm 139:1-2,4

Imagine this. You walk into work or church or class or your favorite hangout location. Something is different today. Everyone has a miniature screen on their heads, and the screens have words flashing, running across the screen. It takes you a minute, but eventually you realize that the words on the screens are the thoughts of the people wearing them.

Admit it. We've all wondered what our world would be like if people passing by could read our thoughts. This is how most of us try to picture that world. And most of us are glad our world isn't like that, because, well, if it was, most of us would be in a lot of trouble pretty often.

Normally, I'm one of those people who is glad others can't read my thoughts. Earlier this year was a different story, though. No, I did not want a screen attached to my head displaying my thoughts for the entire world to see. I wanted my best and closest friends, no matter where they were to know the things I was thinking, the things that were on my heart.

You see, I had been struggling with a lot of stuff - a lot of insecurities and lies. It was hard. Although I wanted my friends to be able to help me with it, I was not about to tell them what I was struggling with because in some really roundabout ways, it involved them. They weren't causing it, but lies are often attacks against the things that matter most to you.

I don't remember what day it was or what time, but I very much remember lying in my bed at one point asking God to let my friends know what was going on in my heart, what I was struggling with so they could help me.

Shortly after that time, I went on a retreat with my campus ministry. During our quiet time that weekend, we were asked to read Psalm 139 and answer some questions about it. I didn't get very far on the questions. There are 23 verses in the chapter, and I only answered the questions about verses 1-4. "What do these words make you feel? Do you think they are 'real'? How does it make you feel to think that He knows your thoughts?" And on March 10, I wrote in my journal, "I just wish I would be satisfied with that. I wish that was enough for me and that I would not keep looking for that from someone else."

God was trying to tell me that He did know my thoughts. He did know what I was thinking, what I was struggling with, the deepest things in my heart that no one else knew, not even my mentor. My Best Friend knew. And it wasn't enough for me.

I don't know how He did it, but that weekend, God did address the insecurities and the lies I had been dealing with. He showed me truth; He reminded me where my security was. It truly helped. I didn't thank Him though. I mean, I did. But not for being the friend that saw my heart and fixed things. I just thanked Him for fixing them.

A little over a month later, I was having another hard time. There weren't lies and insecurities again. I don't really know what to call it. I was just really sad about leaving for the summer and knowing that when I got back, some of my close friends could be somewhere else. I knew what I thought would fix it. I kept doing whatever I could to get that too, but it just wasn't working out.

That week, God kept showing me Love through different people. He kept pursuing me. And I knew He was doing it for a reason, but I couldn't figure it out.

Finally, one day, I just broke down in tears. I didn't want to, because I was in front of a ton of friends, but I couldn't help it. One friend came over and tried to talk me through it and gave me a hug. Another friend texted me to say how much she Loves me. A third friend came over and reminded me how great of a year I had and how strong my friendships are. Then that friend finally managed to get me up to worship with everyone else.

All those things helped, but I was still lost. I felt Loved, but it still didn't seem to solve the problem. Until dinner that night. Another good friend called me, out of nowhere, just because she felt God wanted her to tell me that He Loves me and just to hold onto that Love. I almost broke down in tears again, but that time out of relief. Relief that He cared enough to give me something stable to hold onto and to tell me to hold onto it. Then He still continued to pour Love out on me that night when my small group girls prayed for me and encouraged me about coming to London.

The next day, a friend pointed me back to Psalm 139. Not realizing it was the same chapter as the chapter I read during retreat, I decided to read it. I read the first four verses and freaked out. In a good way.

That was when I wrote the words, "God did it. He did it, and I was satisfied... He spoke to my heart this week. He captured another piece of it. Because I know the peace from the Love He showed me is going to last."

What's makes it even cooler is this: God gave me what I wanted. Not only did He get to the root of the problem (which I then spent the next few days thanking people for how they let Him use them that day), He gave me what I thought was going to fix the problem. But only after I was trusting Him without it.

Now, I'm in London. Being here, so far away from my family and friends, makes it really easy to feel lonely. But here's the thing. God's the one I'm looking to to fill that void. He's the one I'm trusting to make it all better. He knew before I even did how hard this would be, and He prepared me for it. In so many ways, and I am so thankful. I am so glad that my Best Friend knows my thoughts, knows my heart and knows how to fix anything that might be hard.

I'm glad that He's enough for me. I'm glad that I know He's enough for me.