"Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the wilderness and speak tenderly to her." - Hosea 2:14
Summer romance. It's an idea nearly glorified by the movies. Noah and Allie in The Notebook, Sandy and Danny in Grease. How many more movie couples meet and fall in love during the warm summer months? How many more movies and books depict the months and activities of summer as the ideal setting for date night, for truly falling in love?
Crazy, adventurous romance. How many movies show two people falling in love while on the craziest adventure of their lives? In some exotic location? Doing something daring that they have no idea how they got talked into it?
That's what this summer is about for me - getting my crazy and adventurous summer romance.
In Song of Solomon, God calls Himself our Lover. In Ephesians, He calls us His bride. As such, He wants us to be truly in love with Him. He wants the fiery passion and fierce devotion that comes with being truly in love.
Really Loving someone is a learning process. It's no different with God. You really have to learn about Him. You really have to learn what Love is and how to fight for it. In the process, you learn a lot about yourself. You learn what really matters to you. You dream dreams you didn't dare to dream before.
It wasn't until my layover at O'Hare that I started actually looking forward to living in London for three months. I was asking God some questions about what I thought was completely unrelated to this trip. But when He answered, I couldn't have been more excited.
He wants to pursue me this summer. In a way that He couldn't anywhere else.
Europe is the first place I ever pictured myself going on an "adventure". It's far away from the people I Love most. It is way beyond my comfort zone. Only God could have convinced me to come here by myself for three months.
God is pursuing me in ways I didn't think I would ever be pursued. For me, so far, He has reminded me of who He made me and the interests and gifts He gave me. He keeps showing me that He knows those things about me - they don't surprise Him. He keeps blessing me with the time to enjoy them.
At the same time, I'm learning about Him. I'm learning about Love. I'm learning that He wants me to enjoy the gifts He has given me. My interests and passions are His interests and passions. He wants to share them with me. He is pursuing me so that I know how to pursue Him.
This isn't just for me. It's for you too. God has a plan to pursue you, to chase your heart. Most likely, it will be something you're not used to. Let Him remind you of how He made you, who He made you to be. Let Him remind you of the dreams He's given you. Then see how He provides for you. Look for the opportunities He gives you to be that person. Watch how He allows you to follow those dreams. Let Him draw your heart closer to His.
Don't forget to share it with Him. Love Him back by including Him in those things He does for you. Thank Him for them. When your heart starts longing for adventure - any type of adventure - look to Him.
When He calls, "Come with me," follow Him. If it's to the ends of the earth or if it's to the house next door, follow Him.
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Enough For Me
"O Lord, You have examined my heart and know everything about me. You know when I sit down or stand up. You know my thoughts even when I'm far away... You know what I am going to say even before I say it, Lord." - Psalm 139:1-2,4
Imagine this. You walk into work or church or class or your favorite hangout location. Something is different today. Everyone has a miniature screen on their heads, and the screens have words flashing, running across the screen. It takes you a minute, but eventually you realize that the words on the screens are the thoughts of the people wearing them.
Admit it. We've all wondered what our world would be like if people passing by could read our thoughts. This is how most of us try to picture that world. And most of us are glad our world isn't like that, because, well, if it was, most of us would be in a lot of trouble pretty often.
Normally, I'm one of those people who is glad others can't read my thoughts. Earlier this year was a different story, though. No, I did not want a screen attached to my head displaying my thoughts for the entire world to see. I wanted my best and closest friends, no matter where they were to know the things I was thinking, the things that were on my heart.
You see, I had been struggling with a lot of stuff - a lot of insecurities and lies. It was hard. Although I wanted my friends to be able to help me with it, I was not about to tell them what I was struggling with because in some really roundabout ways, it involved them. They weren't causing it, but lies are often attacks against the things that matter most to you.
I don't remember what day it was or what time, but I very much remember lying in my bed at one point asking God to let my friends know what was going on in my heart, what I was struggling with so they could help me.
Shortly after that time, I went on a retreat with my campus ministry. During our quiet time that weekend, we were asked to read Psalm 139 and answer some questions about it. I didn't get very far on the questions. There are 23 verses in the chapter, and I only answered the questions about verses 1-4. "What do these words make you feel? Do you think they are 'real'? How does it make you feel to think that He knows your thoughts?" And on March 10, I wrote in my journal, "I just wish I would be satisfied with that. I wish that was enough for me and that I would not keep looking for that from someone else."
God was trying to tell me that He did know my thoughts. He did know what I was thinking, what I was struggling with, the deepest things in my heart that no one else knew, not even my mentor. My Best Friend knew. And it wasn't enough for me.
I don't know how He did it, but that weekend, God did address the insecurities and the lies I had been dealing with. He showed me truth; He reminded me where my security was. It truly helped. I didn't thank Him though. I mean, I did. But not for being the friend that saw my heart and fixed things. I just thanked Him for fixing them.
A little over a month later, I was having another hard time. There weren't lies and insecurities again. I don't really know what to call it. I was just really sad about leaving for the summer and knowing that when I got back, some of my close friends could be somewhere else. I knew what I thought would fix it. I kept doing whatever I could to get that too, but it just wasn't working out.
That week, God kept showing me Love through different people. He kept pursuing me. And I knew He was doing it for a reason, but I couldn't figure it out.
Finally, one day, I just broke down in tears. I didn't want to, because I was in front of a ton of friends, but I couldn't help it. One friend came over and tried to talk me through it and gave me a hug. Another friend texted me to say how much she Loves me. A third friend came over and reminded me how great of a year I had and how strong my friendships are. Then that friend finally managed to get me up to worship with everyone else.
All those things helped, but I was still lost. I felt Loved, but it still didn't seem to solve the problem. Until dinner that night. Another good friend called me, out of nowhere, just because she felt God wanted her to tell me that He Loves me and just to hold onto that Love. I almost broke down in tears again, but that time out of relief. Relief that He cared enough to give me something stable to hold onto and to tell me to hold onto it. Then He still continued to pour Love out on me that night when my small group girls prayed for me and encouraged me about coming to London.
The next day, a friend pointed me back to Psalm 139. Not realizing it was the same chapter as the chapter I read during retreat, I decided to read it. I read the first four verses and freaked out. In a good way.
That was when I wrote the words, "God did it. He did it, and I was satisfied... He spoke to my heart this week. He captured another piece of it. Because I know the peace from the Love He showed me is going to last."
What's makes it even cooler is this: God gave me what I wanted. Not only did He get to the root of the problem (which I then spent the next few days thanking people for how they let Him use them that day), He gave me what I thought was going to fix the problem. But only after I was trusting Him without it.
Now, I'm in London. Being here, so far away from my family and friends, makes it really easy to feel lonely. But here's the thing. God's the one I'm looking to to fill that void. He's the one I'm trusting to make it all better. He knew before I even did how hard this would be, and He prepared me for it. In so many ways, and I am so thankful. I am so glad that my Best Friend knows my thoughts, knows my heart and knows how to fix anything that might be hard.
I'm glad that He's enough for me. I'm glad that I know He's enough for me.
Imagine this. You walk into work or church or class or your favorite hangout location. Something is different today. Everyone has a miniature screen on their heads, and the screens have words flashing, running across the screen. It takes you a minute, but eventually you realize that the words on the screens are the thoughts of the people wearing them.
Admit it. We've all wondered what our world would be like if people passing by could read our thoughts. This is how most of us try to picture that world. And most of us are glad our world isn't like that, because, well, if it was, most of us would be in a lot of trouble pretty often.
Normally, I'm one of those people who is glad others can't read my thoughts. Earlier this year was a different story, though. No, I did not want a screen attached to my head displaying my thoughts for the entire world to see. I wanted my best and closest friends, no matter where they were to know the things I was thinking, the things that were on my heart.
You see, I had been struggling with a lot of stuff - a lot of insecurities and lies. It was hard. Although I wanted my friends to be able to help me with it, I was not about to tell them what I was struggling with because in some really roundabout ways, it involved them. They weren't causing it, but lies are often attacks against the things that matter most to you.
I don't remember what day it was or what time, but I very much remember lying in my bed at one point asking God to let my friends know what was going on in my heart, what I was struggling with so they could help me.
Shortly after that time, I went on a retreat with my campus ministry. During our quiet time that weekend, we were asked to read Psalm 139 and answer some questions about it. I didn't get very far on the questions. There are 23 verses in the chapter, and I only answered the questions about verses 1-4. "What do these words make you feel? Do you think they are 'real'? How does it make you feel to think that He knows your thoughts?" And on March 10, I wrote in my journal, "I just wish I would be satisfied with that. I wish that was enough for me and that I would not keep looking for that from someone else."
God was trying to tell me that He did know my thoughts. He did know what I was thinking, what I was struggling with, the deepest things in my heart that no one else knew, not even my mentor. My Best Friend knew. And it wasn't enough for me.
I don't know how He did it, but that weekend, God did address the insecurities and the lies I had been dealing with. He showed me truth; He reminded me where my security was. It truly helped. I didn't thank Him though. I mean, I did. But not for being the friend that saw my heart and fixed things. I just thanked Him for fixing them.
A little over a month later, I was having another hard time. There weren't lies and insecurities again. I don't really know what to call it. I was just really sad about leaving for the summer and knowing that when I got back, some of my close friends could be somewhere else. I knew what I thought would fix it. I kept doing whatever I could to get that too, but it just wasn't working out.
That week, God kept showing me Love through different people. He kept pursuing me. And I knew He was doing it for a reason, but I couldn't figure it out.
Finally, one day, I just broke down in tears. I didn't want to, because I was in front of a ton of friends, but I couldn't help it. One friend came over and tried to talk me through it and gave me a hug. Another friend texted me to say how much she Loves me. A third friend came over and reminded me how great of a year I had and how strong my friendships are. Then that friend finally managed to get me up to worship with everyone else.
All those things helped, but I was still lost. I felt Loved, but it still didn't seem to solve the problem. Until dinner that night. Another good friend called me, out of nowhere, just because she felt God wanted her to tell me that He Loves me and just to hold onto that Love. I almost broke down in tears again, but that time out of relief. Relief that He cared enough to give me something stable to hold onto and to tell me to hold onto it. Then He still continued to pour Love out on me that night when my small group girls prayed for me and encouraged me about coming to London.
The next day, a friend pointed me back to Psalm 139. Not realizing it was the same chapter as the chapter I read during retreat, I decided to read it. I read the first four verses and freaked out. In a good way.
That was when I wrote the words, "God did it. He did it, and I was satisfied... He spoke to my heart this week. He captured another piece of it. Because I know the peace from the Love He showed me is going to last."
What's makes it even cooler is this: God gave me what I wanted. Not only did He get to the root of the problem (which I then spent the next few days thanking people for how they let Him use them that day), He gave me what I thought was going to fix the problem. But only after I was trusting Him without it.
Now, I'm in London. Being here, so far away from my family and friends, makes it really easy to feel lonely. But here's the thing. God's the one I'm looking to to fill that void. He's the one I'm trusting to make it all better. He knew before I even did how hard this would be, and He prepared me for it. In so many ways, and I am so thankful. I am so glad that my Best Friend knows my thoughts, knows my heart and knows how to fix anything that might be hard.
I'm glad that He's enough for me. I'm glad that I know He's enough for me.
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Somehow There's Peace
Sometimes I wish I understood God. You know what I mean? It's not in the "I-have-no-clue-what-You're-doing" kind of not understanding. It's the "I-just-want-to-know-how-You-made-this-work" kind of understand.
These last few days have been really interesting. I say interesting, because I don't know how else to describe them (other than maybe busy).
This past week has been the culmination of almost a year's worth of events and emotions and growth. And I'm not quite sure what to make of it.
I'm leaving school today (only to write two more pages of a paper). This Saturday, one of my best friends graduates, along with several other good friends. My first year as a small group leader is coming to a close. Three of my awesome small group girls won't be coming back to Mizzou next year, so that was three more people I had to say goodbye to. I won't be in the same small group as my friend Lizzy for the first time next year, and that's just weird. Once I finish writing my paper, I'll be half way done with my college career. Oh, and in less than 72 hours I will be on the ground in London.
It's crazy the journey God has taken me on to get me to this point. Really crazy.
Less than a year ago, I had a conversation with one of my friends who graduates this weekend. I probably should have called her or waited till I saw her, but for some reason, I decided texting would work. I remember asking her, "Why am I so scared?" That question started a long process (or at least it seemed long to me) of God holding my hand and becoming my security. It started the process of preparing for her to graduate and possibly leave, and eventually finding out that she's going to Wales for a year.
In September, Lizzy, Julie and I started leading a small group together. The next week, Lizzy and I were in a separate room from Julie because our small group was too big to stay together. Like the two times we led together in Mark Twain, we were terrified. But it turned out great. We had a wonderful group of girls, and although we're both super excited for our new small groups next year, we're a little sad that our first one (that we've led) is over.
I've spent this semester working as a reporter for the local paper. Coming into this was one of the scariest things I've ever done thanks to all the stories I heard from upperclassmen. I liked it though. It was hard. Sometimes it was a pain. But it was worth it. I made good friends that I wish I could have spent more time with. I actually learned things from this class.
Now I'm about to head off to London. Let me tell you, preparation for this has been hectic. First off, had I found out my friend's plans to go to Wales one week sooner, I never would have made the decision to go to London. I almost changed my mind as it is. Secondly, it was really hard to be obedient and not apply to go to Jamaica because I really want to go back. (I still say it's funny that I didn't find out till about two weeks ago that it would be my last chance to go.) Then there was all the craziness of God providing money in ways I didn't expect so that I could go.
That's just the stuff that seemed like a big deal. The stuff that has consumed so much of my year. God has taken me on a journey of healing in several areas. He's taught me more about prayer and reaching out to people. I'm more in Love with Him than I've ever been before. It's all been important, and it's all made a huge difference.
Now, I'm leaving not only Mizzou, but the country, for the summer. All I can do right now is thank God for how this has worked out. I keep crying or wanting to cry. And I have no idea why. I'm sad this year is over, but I'm not so sad that I don't want it to end. I'm too excited for London and next year. I don't really know what to expect, but I'm not scared anymore. I keep wanting to say I'm not ready to leave, but I am.
Last summer, when I asked my friend why I was so scared, she told me, "Take it a day at a time and when the end of the year comes, you'll be ready to say goodbye." I'm still not sure I like the idea of goodbye. Eventually, when I'm watching her leave for Wales, I'll probably still say, "See ya later." Because I hate goodbyes that much. But I am ready. I still don't know how God did it, but He did. And that's what I wish I could understand.
But I guess He's just reminding me again that being scared isn't worth it. He's got my back. He's taking care of me. The things that scare me, are always the most worth it in the end.
These last few days have been really interesting. I say interesting, because I don't know how else to describe them (other than maybe busy).
This past week has been the culmination of almost a year's worth of events and emotions and growth. And I'm not quite sure what to make of it.
I'm leaving school today (only to write two more pages of a paper). This Saturday, one of my best friends graduates, along with several other good friends. My first year as a small group leader is coming to a close. Three of my awesome small group girls won't be coming back to Mizzou next year, so that was three more people I had to say goodbye to. I won't be in the same small group as my friend Lizzy for the first time next year, and that's just weird. Once I finish writing my paper, I'll be half way done with my college career. Oh, and in less than 72 hours I will be on the ground in London.
It's crazy the journey God has taken me on to get me to this point. Really crazy.
Less than a year ago, I had a conversation with one of my friends who graduates this weekend. I probably should have called her or waited till I saw her, but for some reason, I decided texting would work. I remember asking her, "Why am I so scared?" That question started a long process (or at least it seemed long to me) of God holding my hand and becoming my security. It started the process of preparing for her to graduate and possibly leave, and eventually finding out that she's going to Wales for a year.
In September, Lizzy, Julie and I started leading a small group together. The next week, Lizzy and I were in a separate room from Julie because our small group was too big to stay together. Like the two times we led together in Mark Twain, we were terrified. But it turned out great. We had a wonderful group of girls, and although we're both super excited for our new small groups next year, we're a little sad that our first one (that we've led) is over.
I've spent this semester working as a reporter for the local paper. Coming into this was one of the scariest things I've ever done thanks to all the stories I heard from upperclassmen. I liked it though. It was hard. Sometimes it was a pain. But it was worth it. I made good friends that I wish I could have spent more time with. I actually learned things from this class.
Now I'm about to head off to London. Let me tell you, preparation for this has been hectic. First off, had I found out my friend's plans to go to Wales one week sooner, I never would have made the decision to go to London. I almost changed my mind as it is. Secondly, it was really hard to be obedient and not apply to go to Jamaica because I really want to go back. (I still say it's funny that I didn't find out till about two weeks ago that it would be my last chance to go.) Then there was all the craziness of God providing money in ways I didn't expect so that I could go.
That's just the stuff that seemed like a big deal. The stuff that has consumed so much of my year. God has taken me on a journey of healing in several areas. He's taught me more about prayer and reaching out to people. I'm more in Love with Him than I've ever been before. It's all been important, and it's all made a huge difference.
Now, I'm leaving not only Mizzou, but the country, for the summer. All I can do right now is thank God for how this has worked out. I keep crying or wanting to cry. And I have no idea why. I'm sad this year is over, but I'm not so sad that I don't want it to end. I'm too excited for London and next year. I don't really know what to expect, but I'm not scared anymore. I keep wanting to say I'm not ready to leave, but I am.
Last summer, when I asked my friend why I was so scared, she told me, "Take it a day at a time and when the end of the year comes, you'll be ready to say goodbye." I'm still not sure I like the idea of goodbye. Eventually, when I'm watching her leave for Wales, I'll probably still say, "See ya later." Because I hate goodbyes that much. But I am ready. I still don't know how God did it, but He did. And that's what I wish I could understand.
But I guess He's just reminding me again that being scared isn't worth it. He's got my back. He's taking care of me. The things that scare me, are always the most worth it in the end.
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